Prodigal Self

Now I feel like I have to go that extra mile in order to validate myself. Earth to Afrikim! Where the fuck have you been? My recent discovery that I had been conveniently “kicked off” a blog I was “begged” to contribute to, shook every insignificant cell in my marrow. Sad thing is that it took me less than a minute to realize that I had been engrossed in some sort of imaginary world. A fucking world that I consciously did everything to prevent getting sucked into. I was that bitch who made fun of “those” people, and now I get high off the 100 new friends requests a day. Shit I never wanted to be a part of; things I openly expressed resentment towards, and a lifestyle I sneered at. I have never felt so insignificant and purposeless my entire life.

I look back and for the past few months, I yearned so much for the “life” experience that I forgot to LIVE it! What got into me? I am Afrikim and my ultimate identifier was the uniqueness in my life and everything associated with it. Now I have become “one of them.” I’m not undermining their potentials nor am I judging the lifestyle they live, but truth be told, they do what they do best, what I can never do with three wishes and a million years to spare. This is what I do best! I live my life, I challenge myself from the other side of the road, but how the fuck did I end up in a line that wrapped around the block? What trance led me here? A tailless and endless route! Why the hell did I get so consumed in the chaos of this fucking lifestyle?! I don’t want to be the next Miss X, nor do I have any interest in being the next “most talked about newbie on the block”…but I guess my quest for a different type of thrill has landed me exactly where I dread…now I am just a regular ass bitch!

No one approaches me with the pre-existing knowledge of my enigmatic nature. Nothing intriguing has come out of this for me and quite frankly, I fear re-reading this fucking piece as I am quite sure that this is by far the most juvenile of them all. I lost my essence! I lost my umph and I fucking lost myself! Now, in all fairness, I did enjoy the parties, the packaged identity accompanied by the highly premeditated swag…It was fun! No lie! The façade of being associated with “who is who”…however, that life is not for me.

I only want to be Afrikim. I only want to write. I only want to be able to drown my sorrows in a 40ounce bottle of Old English malt liquor and enjoy the whiff of my blunt wrapped home grown chronic weed in peace! I only want to be the cutter that I have always been and anticipate my next sickle cell episode while I continue to work on my “master plan.” How could I lose myself in the middle of this chaos?

I have always been my own hero, I have always been my own mentor and unfortunately, it took my teenage friend deleting me off his blog to realize this. He tried to reach out to me, typing empty dots on my screen, but I was too busy “playing” with my newly found “experiments.” The bright side of my little situation has got to be the simple fact that sometimes in life, distractions are effective tools in reverberating focus…that is my quote and that is probably the most intelligent thing I have said in the past few months, so bear with my prodigal ways and embrace my shameful return…