Just cos...

These pictures were taken on my phone, almost from the same spot, but facing different directions...(dont judge me, im still a rookie). I have developed a sudden obsession for black and white photographs and I believe that the human "eye" is a wonderful instrunment...Hannah Wilke's black and white portraits have changed the way I use my "eye"...immensely.

Whatever it is that these pictures depict to you, will be a personal experience, somehow symbolizing a thematic occurence in your life, sadly, one you might not be aware of.

Every artwork, every painting...every form, is subject to contextual interpretation...something that varies across the race of "individuality"...Now I shall invest in a nice camera, and see how far i can push my depleting brain..lol

My Work

It hit me again. I stand outside my own work, beyond my own worth...a craft, an artwork that only blooms in the deepest darkest season of sorrow. It rains, the drops of water on my face, it reigns, the merging of tears with this flood. I close my eyes and see my own casket, imaginary eulogies said by my friends, foes, family, and acquaintances.

I should be crying but I can't let it go, the thought of the bitter sweet nature of this demise, separating body from spirit.. The thought of seeing my mother's face once again, the thought of hearing my father's wails! The thought that I might have caused this span to shorten, beyond it's duration. Be strong, be steadfast, be hopeful, careful and alive.

Live Afrikim! Live! Life has so much to offer they say, but afterwards? What happens to the fruits that grow from the seed offering? U give me a bite, taste life they say! Enjoy it, but don't get too comfortable! The harsh reality of death lingering hits me one more time and I flick the switch. Crawling into the darkness that has been I. The darkness that has been me.

I'm exhausted, drained...questioning every breath, probing every dawn and making no "long-term" plans. My joints hurt, knees are weak, cant stand, sit or sleep. Insomnia is my buddy and restlessness fills my body. Yet I stand firm, these shoulders hold many heads, soaked with so many's tears...still I stand, on shaking ankles, still I stand...on shaky grounds.

I turn around and dry my father's tears, I look forward and walk into my mother's awaiting embrace. Yet, it hit me, I'm only standing in the bathtub that is now filled with my own tears. I scrub, scrub, and...I realize, maybe it's time for a tear drought, maybe it's time for a rebirth, force it till u feel it buki! Smile till u mean it, because whether u like it or not, grand ma said "que sera"...whatever will be, will be...

It hurts, it burns, it aches...the worst part of it all is that i'm still fucking awake! The price I pay for being a "love child"...why punish me? Let me inflict this pain on myself...hand me a lighter, pass me a razor and watch me push the limits. How's that for a crisis?

...self induced closure, self fulfilling prophecies, subjective memory and inflicted pain...this is me, this is I, this is...my artwork, my life, my painting...my cross.

No Air

I gasp...gasp...breathe...in, out, say it with me "W-U-S-A"...turning blue, pale, dropping to the ground, tearing down the walls, scratching, kicking, help!...no air!

This exterior fools you, so you treat it like you see it. Have you no fear? No compassion? No emotions? No love? No air?!

You build me up and break me down, I let you, I watch you, I indulge you...gasping!

You throw the keys in flames! In silence I watch a montage of my life go ablaze. You won't bother explaining, why?

I switch it up. Like a new outfit, I present buki, but you strangle her. I bring afrikim, but you show no mercy.

Kim, natalie, ceci, temi...what the fuck do u want? Wigs? Heels? Shorts? Leather? What? Nothing pleases you...still I clutch to this hope of some...air! *gasp*

Can't you see? Have you no clue?! Will you just look...into these eyes and see the suffering! The suffocation! The tears!

Will you turn your back? Leave me on my knees? Carelessly sway across my pool of tears? Like wetness to your feet, are you comforted by my dilemma? Does it make you happy?...*gasp*



I let out a last sigh, shamelessly falling to your feet...your name dances off my tongue like it saved the best for last. You sneer...and walk away...yet? *gasp*

It is a humbling experience, I look back and see those who long for me, yet...I tread your grounds, walking this endless trail, thirsty, hungry...air-less!

My pulse increases. Slows down. Faster, slower, irregular...*silence*

Are you happy now? You killed me, you took my breathe away...usurping every evidence of life in me...and ride off on your high horse...I lay there, breathless...I lay there, lifeless, and for the first time, I see the beauty in these open eyes.

I trusted you to tell it to me, I wanted to see myself in you, I wanted to give it all, oh wait...I did. Now gravity calls as I sink to my demise.
No air.

Random Conversation

There is beauty in the art of sadism. We were taught that light is the opposite of darkness and good has a negative correlation to bad, but I think everything exists for a reason. The bungee jumpers and the fuckers who would dare raise a razor to an innocent child's face. The very existence of both amazes me, and even though our society forces us to be taciturn or ignorant to the beauty in those things that are stigmatized as "evil."

I acknowledge the fact that they are all able to co-exist in the same realm. How dare we label and judge others, all in the name of existentialism or shall I call it pure double standards! I have flaws, so do a lot of you. You want and ask for your loved ones and acquaintances to embrace your flaws and accept them, yet you capitalize on the shortcomings of others and blame it on some subconsciously innate experience that must have shaped their being.

It is convenient, it is pointing a finger at someone, forgetting what happens to the remaining four, it is only natural...we are only human, and we should not let our prejudice nature get the best of us...but don't take it from me, cos I just judged you.